I hate this time of year. Christmas has never been my favorite. I have too many bad memories of family brawls around the tree. Too many throw downs around the table. LOL. Being 5000km away from my family helps a bit. It frees me from any obligation I might have to take part and do the Christmas thing. The downside of that, is that now I have to do the Christmas thing with Kyle’s family.
I mentioned before how me and Kyle’s mother don’t really get along. Actually, I hate the fucking woman if I’m being honest. She is a victim-minded, user who does nothing but mooch off of people.
Two Christmases ago, Kyle and his ex were in Arizona. On the last day before they were heading home, MIL calls Kyle and begs him to come rescue her from her sisters house (she had been mooching off of her for 4 years and had out-stayed her welcome). Kyle, being the knight in shining armour he is, drove to CALIFORNIA to pick this woman up and bring her back to Canada.
She was here for a couple of months before I entered Kyle’s world. He and his ex broke up and he and his mother were here alone. Kyle had to buy her wine that she drinks everyday and her pack of smokes she needs everyday, and paid for everything else like prescriptions, groceries, and oh of course, hair appointments. It’s fucking disgusting what some parents will put on their kids.
By the time I showed up, she was making herself pretty comfortable. Kyle wasn’t happy about the arrangement but was too scared to rock the boat and upset her. She attempted to kill herself years ago and has held that over Kyle’s head ever since.
The bulk of mine and Kyle’s relationship issues revolve around that woman. It took us almost a year to get her to fill out the paperwork for assistance. She has enough health issues to get disability, but flat out refused. She’d throw a tantrum whenever she needed attention about “how I was trying to get rid of her” and in turn me and Kyle would fight. I actually tried to leave a couple of times. I was literally at the airport with all of my belongings, after driving the 2 hours it takes to get to the airport. But because my dog freaked out they refused to fly her. I had to call Kyle and ask to come back. I was devastated.
To this day, I still don’t know what transpired between him and his mother that day I left. She welcomed me back with open arms and the “I love you, we’re family” bullshit. She knew she was responsible for me leaving. The good that came out of that horrible time is that both Kyle and his mother got their shit together and got the paperwork filled out for assistance. It took 3 months for her to complete the paperwork and send it in. Kyle and I fought about it the whole time.
We JUST found out (4 months later) that she got approved and will be receiving assistance from the government. Which means she will be moving out! On Kyle’s dime no doubt, but at this point, whatever it takes for her to get the fuck out of our basement I’m okay with!
Me and her had a couple of blowouts and our last one we decided to take a different approach with each other. The problem is, it requires me to be completely fake. I know you don’t know me, but I am the realest person you will ever meet. I don’t force anything. I hate being fake and being around fake. And now I’m forced to LIVE fake. She thinks things are good between us. Because when we’re not fighting she thinks things are really great.
Things are not great. Living with this woman is killing me. She is the most disgusting, desperate, user piece of shit I have ever been forced to get along with. I’ve encountered lots of people like her throughout my life. I’ve met her a million times in the presence of others. I have spent my life making sure that I don’t have people like that in my space.
But because I fell in love with Kyle, I take on so much that I spent my life trying to get rid of. I can’t even talk freely about how I feel about all this because Kyle freaks out. I get it; I can call my Mom names and talk trash about her, but if someone else does I’ll go to war to defend her. He does the same.
So befriending (her at the start) didn’t work, fighting her (since then) hasn’t worked, so now we are trying to fake it. I noticed that when I am nice and show concern about her, Kyle takes an attitude with her and is a bit mean. Like he’s NOT defending her. When I’m with, or for her, he turns against her. That is fucked up, but it’s true. When I was against her, Kyle was against me because he was defending her. Not that he disagreed with me. But he didn’t want her to hear and know that, because God forbid she get upset and actually try to kill herself again.
This woman is a master manipulator. She says what she should be doing, thinking, feeling, but they are only words. She says what buys her the most sympathy. It’s her birthday tomorrow and I’m like half her age. She hasn’t been through half the shit I have in life, hasn’t been wronged like I have, and doesn’t have the health and pain levels I have, and yet we have to listen to her “poor me” stories every day.
If it was anyone else, I would have told them to not bring their negativity into my space already, because that’s who I am. I am real. I am mature enough to say ” You know what, we’re 2 different kinds of people being forced to live in a shitty situation together. Can we just agree to stay out of each other’s lives as much as possible?!” But no, not here. You can’t do that here. That leads to drama which she thrives off of.
And to be honest, I don’t have the energy for another fight. It’s exhausting. My soul is tired. My heart is broken. It makes me sad to think of who I’ve had to become to survive this relationship with all its baggage. It makes me feel resentful towards Kyle a lot. I spend a lot of time wishing I didn’t love him, because then I could leave this situation with his horrible mother.
Instead, I stay. I fake. I survive. It makes me sad to think about the fact that Kyle really doesn’t even know the real me. Because I can’t be REAL here. I have to be some fake ass version of myself just to keep the peace and get along. I don’t dance or sing or joke around. I can’t. That would reveal a side of myself that wouldn’t survive in this environment. I literally feel like I’ve been in survival mode since I woke up to my second shot at life, but definitely through the entirety of this relationship.
So now, we are only days away from Christmas, and her birthday tomorrow. She is suppose to be leaving tomorrow to go to a friend’s house for a few days. Although she mentioned she might cancel information shes not feeling well.
A few fights ago, the topic of Christmas came up and I said how fucking wonderful it was going to be to have ANOTHER Christmas ruined by having to include her. (Sarcasm runs deep through my blood). She must have heard because she made arrangements to not be here.
As bad as I feel about her feeling like she has to leave, I feel worse thinking about her staying.
This year Kyle’s Dad and step-mom are having Christmas at their place since they just moved here a couple of months ago. So of course she would have to come with us. Weird hey?! Going to your ex husband’s house for dinner with his wife and THEIR family?! Nope, not to the MIL. She’d be there with bells on,;acting like it was her party. She makes me sick.
Today I am doing my Christmas baking. I told her I would make some for her to take away with her. She BETTER still be going away!! I will also be making supper tonight, (her favorite) to celebrate her birthday and Christmas early because she’s SUPPOSE TO BE LEAVING TOMORROW!!! LOL!!
It bothers me how much time and energy I put into this woman. It’s exhausting. And Kyle doesn’t even seem to realize the stress and pressure it puts on me. In turn, I get depressed and angry. I get sad knowing I can’t be myself, and in turn, unhappy until she’s not a part of my every day life anymore. I don’t know how much longer that will be, and I don’t know how much more I can take.
This relationship has cost me so much. If it wasn’t for the fact that this whole relationship has been divinely guided from the start, I’d say I was crazy for staying. In my heart I know I can’t walk away from this kind of love over his mother. But God help me, I can’t understand why I am being punished by this kind of lesson in my life.
To all of you who read this, thank you so much for your support in my writing. I know we are all struggling in our own ways. Merry Christmas and/or happy holidays to those who are into it. And to those who struggle with this time of year, I give a virtual hug to you. Be strong. We’ll get through it. It’s almost over!