I’m not going to go into huge detail about this event or the events leading up to it, as I will be saving that for my book. Yes, I said it, MY BOOK!! I have been hasseled and repetitively reminded and encouraged over the past 7 years to share my story with the world. The message “WRITE A BOOK” literally haunts me. It’s everywheres; TV, movies, flyers, fb ads, online ads, and even out of the mouths of perfect strangers. So in attempt to shut the Universe up, I will be writing a book, my story of a near death experience resulting in my life being changed forever, due to the disabilities I now have from the hospital’s “life saving efforts” on my body.
Sometimes when people find themselves in traumatic situations, (especially those involving near death experiences) one could see the potential for the event in their actions prior to. For instance: someone who was out climbing the face of a mountain knew the element of risk and danger prior to engaging in this activity. If said mountain climber experienced an accident that lead to a near death experience, one could say that they really should have seen that coming.
I, like millions of others, got in the situation I was in by accident; the “where-the-fuck-did-that-even-come-from” kind of accident. At 23 years old, I found myself standing in the gorgeous, breathtaking, warm, all loving and encompassing white light, after a pregnancy gone horribly wrong. In what can only be described as “the pregnancy from hell”, I experienced the following:”Yes you’re pregnant, No you’re not, Yes you’re still pregnant, You may be carrying twins, You are miscarrying a twin, There is only one baby, Now there are none. Go home and let your body miscarry the pregnancy naturally.” Horrible right?!
After laying on the couch (on what felt like my death bed) for close to 3 weeks in the most excruciating pain ever, I decided that something was wrong. It didn’t feel right. I had never been pregnant before let alone miscarry, but everything I read about this scenario didn’t match up to what I was experiencing.
After going to the emergency room once again, the ultrasound tech reluctantly investigated further, and found an 11 week old fetus (with her own heart beat and blood source) curled up nice and cozy in my fallopian tube. I had been scanned and cleared of an ectopic pregnancy 3 times in the weeks prior to in my pregnancy, but low and behold here she is, in all her glory, in my fallopian tube.
I needed emergency surgery. The doctors were mystified at: A. How an ectopic pregnancy could have been missed; and B. How this fetus was thriving where she shouldn’t have been; and C. How my tube hadn’t ruptured yet by her presence. The fallopian tube is only 1cm in diameter, so having a fig sized object inside that tube without it rupturing was a medical marvel all in itself.
I wish I could end my story there. As tragic as it is, I wish that this was the end of it. How great it would have been to wake up from that ordeal and get on with my life?! Eventually I would fall in love, and have kids and it healed the emptiness in my heart. But that’s too Disney. That’s not how life works.
After my first surgery, I required another emergency surgery to stop the bleeding in my abdomen. I was hemmoraging internally, and was suffocating under the pressure of the blood inside me on my lungs. While in surgery, I coded. My airways and veins collapsed and they had a hard time rescusitating me.
In the moments that my body was unresponsive, I had an outer body experience. I was standing over my physical body laying on the operating table watching the doctors work on me. The room filled up with the most beautiful white light. There I stood infront of my Nanny who had died when I was 9 years old. She stood next to a man that I didn’t recognize; a man that I would only be able to identify years later as Jesus Christ himself. I also seen a girl who looked a lot like me. She walked over to my body and laid on top of it. That’s the last thing I remember before I woke up.
The whole experience was life changing in so many ways; the details, the aftermath, the healing, and the pain of recovery. Those are all stories that can wait for another time.
The highlight of this horror, was the white light. Never could I ever be able to describe this light to you and do it justice. We do not have the words or vocabulary as humans to be able to communicate or interpret that kind of raw, magical power and energy to others, let alone make sense of it yourself.
There are very few times we can even experience that kind of beauty here on earth; sunsets and sunrises, beautiful scenery, and moments of pure love and joy, the moment something hits you right in the feels, right in the solar plexus.
Even in those moments of pure love and beauty, the white light is so much more than these perfect moments could ever be. There is no pain or weight in this light. There is no heavy or negative feelings. It’s like you get to take off the weight of the world and just be your spirit self; your soul self. Nothing but pure unconditional loving energy comes from this light. It is in this light, that suddenly I understood life and its hardships. I was able to see why things happened as they did. I was able to understand the vast connectiveness of the world and all that’s in it. For the first time ever, I had a sense of clarity. I understood life.
The moments I experienced in the light were so profound that it has forever changed my life. That white light experience is the reason I am able to continue on in life with a strength that I could only acquire by being at death’s door.
Unfortunately, that same strength is also my biggest weakness. Because living in this world, as hard and as heavy as it all is (especially on days when the pain is too much) I get down and depressed. I think about what I wouldn’t give to be in that light again. There have been more days than not, that I have been angry for getting a second chance at life. Angry that my life was spared even though my quality of life wouldn’t be much compared to what I was use to. Angry that I was taken from that perfect white light and thrown back into this dark hell.
After 7 years of going through this rollercoaster ride of pain and emotion, I always end my depressive phases on a high note. I am able to take the weakness of wanting to be in the white light again and turn it into strength, and a sense of empowerment, all by knowing that I’m here for a reason. My life was spared for a reason. It was not my time to go.
Every day since 7 years ago, I have struggled with my health, the pain, the effect of being disabled, with staying positive, to find out my purpose in life and why I was spared. Maybe all of this is because I have a story to share, to help inspire, and help others grow.
One thing remains the same, the white light has left a beautiful scar on my soul. A scar I see every day; the whitest, most beautiful scar anyone could ever ask for.
– A.M.
*Photo credit given to original owners.*
Divinely Guided 