I’ve been a procrastinator my whole life. I’m not trying to play the “blame game” or anything, but we ARE infact products of our upbringing and environment. And with that being said, I come by being a professional procrastinator very honestly. Haha. (I’m a funny person and laugh a lot. I carry huge amounts of sarcasm in my ways of communicating so please expect many “haha”s and “lol”s throughout my writing).
Growing up, I watched my mom live a semi-scattered life; not being able to finish projects, unable to see things through, unable to commit to things like plans or decisions, and fail miserably at having and/or maintaining healthy relationships with people (let alone herself). So in turn, I have picked up some of those same qualities.
Procrastinating, although the act itself is exhausting; (reminding yourself over and over again of the things you have to do, the inevitable guilt of doing nothing or something else other than the task at hand, and then feeling shitty about your inability to get your shit together and JUST DO IT AND GET IT THE FUCK OVER WITH!!Haha.) it’s my “normal way” of doing things. I don’t like it. I always want to change it. But it just ends up being another thing on the list that I never get around to doing.
I work best under pressure (even though it turns me into a monster – lol). I do my best work with whatever I’m doing in life, when: A) It should have been done already; and,B) Crunch time has come and gone and has been over for hours. I always pull it out though. I always make it happen; and most times, it’s my best work!
But to continue procrastinating when it comes to writing and starting this blog, just can’t happen anymore. It’s been YEARS that I have put off this writing thing. I should have just gotten my shit together and taken advantage of all the opportunities I had to write over the years, but no; I did anything and everything but that. I tried putting deadlines on myself until the anxiety of my procrastination became disabling, and on top of all my other disabilities, I didn’t need to make things worse. I had to just shake my head and let go of all the pressure I was putting on myself. I was literally making myself sick!
So what happens when you are a perpetual procrastinator and you free yourself of deadlines and accountability? Well… nothing. Hahahaha. NOTHING continues to happen. Nothing ever gets done.
Here I am, 7 years later, after having one of the most mind blowing, life changing, traumatic experiences of my life still procrastinating on sharing my story with the world. I’m still being encouraged to write by my family and friends, and by complete strangers who always say “OMG, you should write a book!” after hearing a bit about my story. If I had a dollar for every time I received a message of encouragement to write I’d have at least a hundred bucks!!
I’m a big believer in the Universe and the signs of guidance they send. They have been relentlessly badgering me; using ANY means necessary to get to me to hear them. They are constantly nagging me about fulfilling my earthly mission as a writer. I’m not a writer. I would LIKE to be a writer, but that would mean I’d actually have to write. Haha. And then actually SHARE my writing. Then I’d require someone to actually read my writing and have it effect them in some way; whether they were helped even in a small way by reading it or they end up informed, or educated in some way by my writing, LONG before I could ever call myself a writer.
I just received my 3rd sign (in the last 3 weeks – things always happen in 3’s) from the Universe that it’s time for me to stop fucking around. It’s time to get my ass in gear, and just write. They are breaking it down for me in baby steps; first a blog, then a book. I’ve been working on my book for years but in classic procrastinator fashion, I can’t seem to finish it. (Hmmm… I wonder where I get that from?!? Thanks Mom!)
So my 3rd and final sign I received was from my boyfriend’s father. Point blank, after hearing one of my daily stories of being dysfunctional disabled, he says,”You need to be writing a blog.”
This man doesn’t know me very well. He has no idea of my depths and experiences in life. He didn’t even know that I write for fun (or for therapy as I call it). There was no ignoring that sign. It wasn’t even slightly cryptic. It was a clear, concise message with no bullshit. I laughed in and thanked him for the message and then apologized that spirit used him to get a message to me. Luckily for me, he is a spiritual man himself so he didn’t find it weird to hear me say that.
In my mind, I was frustrated. As the words, “You need to be writing a blog.” spilled out of his mouth; my mind screamed, “Alright!! I fucking get it!! I hear you! Leave me the fuck alone!!”
I’ve got some pent up anger and aggression towards God and his Universe. Me and God; we argue a lot. But that story is for another time.
This long, distracted, unfocused, scattered piece of writing is nothing more than me an example of me, DOING.
Instead of getting overwhelmed with how to start this blog, and how much to write, and what I should write about, and all the insecurities on how to share my life with strangers; I’m just gonna do it!
I came, I wrote, I finished, I posted. And THAT my friends is how this “Professional Procrastinator” started a blog.
-A.M.
Divinely Guided 